He never was authentic with me. Dr. David Kessler states, “It is natural to feel deserted and abandoned, but we live in a society that fears anger. It can either be emotional or psychological trauma. The idea of acceptance can be a trigger word since it implies surrender, but it’s not surrendering. 3. You analyze and question yourself, investigating upon something you might have changed to prevent this damage from occurring. I feel all day like I have to throw up. Is the change a sign of progress or of trouble? And in all honesty, she should be. The term “betrayal trauma” refers to the damage that is caused when you experience a betrayal in your relationship that damages the trust, safety, and security of the bond you have with your partner. Some women also go into a hypersexual state, finding themselves wanting to become even closer to their partners. There are also physical symptoms — a racing heart or sweating. If we want to repair broken trust, it would serve us to take responsibility for any part we may have played that contributed to a betrayal. As I’ve studied betrayal trauma, I’ve learned that this type of trauma parallels the sudden loss of a loved one. When you learn to prioritize creating a safe place for you to thrive and heal, you will be able to progress in your healing. 5 months ago today my wife discovered my addiction to porn which had existed to some extent or another in my life since first exposure at the age of 8 (I’m 48 now). Two books that will help you gain a sense of what it takes to demonstrate true recovery and rebuild trust are Worthy of Her Trust by Jason Martinkus and Stop Sex Addiction by Milton Magness, particularly Magness’s chapter on hallmarks of a healthy recovery. We have two young daughters turning 2yr and 4yrs. However, while friends may offer helpful support and love, they may not offer the best advice, especially if they have not dealt with their own pain in a skillful way. You have premature optimism. Fight or flight kicks in. Whether the emotions feel good or bad, allowing yourself to feel is key. Unfortunately, there is no quick fix for healing Betrayal Trauma. Our sense of reality can be brutally undermined when we discover that our partner has strayed into the arms of another.
You will be tired. Learning to focus on yourself and your healing rather than your husband’s activities will help regain a sense of control. Take your time and keep moving forward, working to a brighter tomorrow.
You may feel like your therapist and others are reinforcing your partner’s gaslighting tactics, causing you to feel as if you are predominantly to blame for your partner’s issues and your emotional instability is an instigator (or justification) for your partner’s acting out behaviors. But if we get stuck in the anger and blaming stage of the healing process, we’re less likely to heal our betrayal wound. If we don’t want to repair the relationship and just want to move on with our lives, it can still be instructive to explore if we interacted with our partner in a way that fueled their frustration and contorted to a climate that led to a betrayal. The repercussions can last a lifetime. Because boundary changes can be a sign of either progress or trouble, communication is key. A current betrayal may reactivate old traumas that we haven’t dealt with well.
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